What to do when the mother of the groom is overzealous????

no offense if this is what you are used to....I am trying to plan an elegant wedding. My fiance's mother is like brain washing him. She is making him think that he is a horrible person if he does not invite all 60 people that she wants there. The problem is we are college students and do not have the funds for this. My parents are contributing $3000 but only if we have a nice wedding because they know that is what I want. The mother of the groom would just like us to have the ceremony and reception at a church and have her make the food for all 100 plus guests and have the grandma do the flowers and stuff. His mom has had 4 wedding herself and done a wedding for her daughter without money so it was white trash style. Besides, i want to do the shopping and stuff with my mom...she has had her time to get excited with her daughter plus she has another daughter who is engaged. How do I get her to acknowledge that she is crossing the line when my fiance avoids confrontation

What to do when the mother of the groom is overzealous????
Tell her, "Thanks for your help and ideas, but I'm not going to let you do this or that." Let her know who is in control now or she will think it's alright for her now and in the future after the wedding.


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Reply:Honestly, this is your fiance's mom, and if he is going to be the husband he is supposed to be, he needs to pony up and tell his mom in no uncertain terms that this wedding is about the two of you and you want it a certain way. It is perfectly fine to want to help out, but she can certainly do that by planning a nice rehearsal dinner which is usually what the groom's family plans and takes care of anyway.


Seriously, this is something he should be handling. What you need to do is talk with him. He is her son, but he is your man, and he needs to act like it.


Whatever you do, when you talk to him about your needs, do not refer to her past receptions as white trash style. This is his family afterall.
Reply:A wedding without money is white trash style????





Of course, it may have been, but it may have been lovely, too.





You do have a right to have the wedding your way. Be gracious in rejecting her plans when they don't fit in. Give her something to do within reason. Also, really talk up how much you're counting on her expertise for the rehearsal dinner.





This buttinsky woman reared the man you love. At least she evidently approves of his choice of bride, or she wouldn't be so helpful. And maybe she is worried about the amount of money spent for a wedding. Men who treat their Mothers nicely often do the same for their wives.





Good luck!
Reply:Please sit down and have a talk with your fiancee. It's you two that are getting married, and have a limited budget. Do you have friends that can help with getting the food together for the reception? Really nice? Invite who the two of you want at your wedding. Let your man know that there are certain "traditional" things that brides do with their moms, and grooms with their moms. Your man needs to stand up for you with his mom now-because if he doesn't, how will it be when the two of you are married? Maybe the two of you should elope. Or have a judge perform a civil ceremony, with only close friends and parents there. It sounds like the two of you need to have a talk and maybe then have a talk with both moms together with the two of you, to help resolve this problem. Take care.
Reply:Find a happy medium. Maybe let her do the flowers, but you pick the flowers that are in the bouquets. Let her help with punch or hors d'ouvres. It's your wedding, but it's his wedding too. Including your mother-in-law to be will pay off in the long run for many years to come (especially when there are grand kids involved)
Reply:You need to be respectful to your future MIL - after all, she raised the man you loved. The problem seems to be stemming from you and your guy not paying for the wedding totally yourselves - then you are using money as a bargaining chip, which is not fair.


Also your "white trash" comments are totally sickening, after all you are marrying into that family.... c'mon now....
Reply:Oh my goodness, This is the very reason I told my son and his bride to be, it would just be better to elope. They are both so upset with her bi-polar Mother. This couple 30 %26amp; 37 are paying for everything themselves. Her Mother wants to run the show one day and next day she's mad at them %26amp; won't talk to them. They never know where they stand.


I can understand you and your Mother wanting to do things together and that is good. If your parents are paying they just need to set some very firm rules and thats that. I would be ashamed of a daughter as mean spirited as you. Your marriage is headed for trouble when you start driving a wedge between a man and his family and putting them in a bad light. You are in fact, hurting the one you say you love. You need a big change of attitude. Yours stinks. I can hardly think your question would make your parents prowd of you.~~~


I have 2 loving daughter-in-laws and about to have another and they are as sweet and kind to me as my own 2 daughters and their husbands love them all the more for that very reason. Families are important, everybodys family.~~~


I think your intended is going to be sorry one day that he ever laid eyes on you. Sorry, I have seen what your kind have done.~~Jill
Reply:Tell him whatever she wants to buy to contribute to the wedding she can. As for all thos people. Tell her how many your parents are paying to let her invire (ie 20?) and the cost per head (lets pretend $50) tell her for $1000 bucks she can invite them all
Reply:You are not her daughter; the Bride's family is in charge of the wedding; period. Look out, Mother in Law from Hell on the horizon!!!
Reply:IT'S YOUR WEDDING! So tell her that you would prefer to do the planning yourself. Say that when you need her assistance with something than you'll ask her. Be very polite. But the bottom line is, it's your wedding and you and your fiance should make the decisions.
Reply:Hey! Unfortunately this is probably the first of many battles. Baby Boy needs to take a stand NOW...
Reply:if your are going to be married to this man you had better leard to speak your mind to all family members involved, early especially, if you let too much go on for too long it will only cause more problems. talking to the son will probably not help at all since he obviously avoids confrontation. better off taking this one directly to the source. just be calm and gentle when explaining your situation.


best of luck
Reply:He needs to be the one that talks to his mom...What you can do is not share so many details with her, keep her out of the loop. Also its your wedding, you need no invite those she wants you to invite...Just say say no...
Reply:You just called the grooms Mom white trash. I think you have more issues, other then what kind of wedding you want. I feel very sad for all concerned.
Reply:I don't normally do this Genuinely obey the rule if you have nothing nice to say say nothing.





But I think you need to check your self. Your mother in law to be offered to put herself out cook for you make your flowers to save you money! and you call her white trash?





your mom and dad are only donating 3000.00 dollars all that is gonna pay for is maybe your uppity little dress..





and to tell you the truth I seriously doubt that you should even be getting married because you only think of your self you are a terribly selfish and ungrateful person... you are not ready to put your husbands feelings before your own grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:Hi, I am getting married also, in July. What I did was when I got engaged, I told everyone that I would do the wedding how I wanted, and that people are free to give me money for the wedding but I choose where it goes and what I buy with it. And that people can help me, but how I want. I had seen my older sister being pulled back and forth between what other people wanted, and that wasn't going to happen to me. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING! It is supposed to be the best day of your life. You need to be firm, but gentle. Just tell them, that you have certain ideas for what you want to do and that's what you are going with. But tell them you are open to options and opinions I know you want to do things with your mom, so tell your mother in law that, but again be gentle but firm. But make sure you do something with her so she won't feel resentful and left out. Just tell her that on the wedding day you want her to enjoy herself and not have to be worrying over the food. Also people can help you do the flowers, if they do it with the flowers you want and how you want them arranged. believe me, you are going to need help to bring this perfect day. If you don't stand up for this, it'll set you up to be walked over down the road. I hope this helps. And remember, smile, relax, count to ten, what ever. Just remember to be happy, Just think you are getting married! :) I wish you happiness and hopefully some sanity LOL. Good luck. and congratulations!!!!
Reply:If you can't get you fiance to face his mother, this ma be a deep concern down the road. If you cave to her wishes now and he does not back you up, you are facing hard times in the future with your Mother-in-law. It is your wedding, you are the bride, you and your parents are flipping the bill. If your fiance does not support you know . . . rethink your situation.
Reply:I have read through the answers to your question up to this point.





Make a copy of all the answers and read them together with your husband to be. They are all good answers.





It is up to him to confront his mother. If he can't stand up to her now, he won't when you are married.





I don't agree with Jill's comments and some of the others. It's good you corrected the white trash thing. I'm sure you were just angry.





It is his duty to cleave unto you.





Your mother has the say here along with you. Stand firm in a kind way if that possible.





I feel for you. I had a mother-in-law like her but my husband stuck up for me and in turn I always treated her in a kind way.





Best Wishes to the both of you.
Reply:First - put yourself in check a little. I completely understand what you are saying - but perhaps you are little too mean about it. What you are saying is that her tastes are a little more simple and home-y that yours, and although there is nothing wrong with that - it is not what you had envisioned for your wedding .... right?





And don't play the money card. You could very well be opening yourself up to her offering to pay - then what! And, although it is very true, to say it outloud sounds petty and like you are rubbing her nose in the fact that your parents are the one's kicking in.





But you are in for a long road in your marriage if your future husband can't gently make his mom understand that although her help is greatly appreciated, you AND HE, have things well under control and have a certain way that you AND HE would like to have your wedding. He can't throw you under the bus on this. Leave your mom out of it.





However, you MUST take into consideration that this is her son's wedding. And just because this child was born with a different body part doesn't make her less interested in his happiness and his wedding. You need to honor her wishes where you can, and stand firm where you can't. Allocate the same number of "spots" for your familiy and his family beyond who you want to invite and she can prioritize and choose. If there is someone that she feels HAS to be there perhaps she can pay the extra per person fees for them.





Good luck. You have a long road ahead of you.
Reply:There's an old saying: "He who pays the piper calls the tune".





If you and your fiance and your parents are paying for the wedding then you get to choose how it goes.





If your fiance refuses to stand up to his mother you need to think seriously about what you are doing.........what other decisions in your lives will she butt in on? What about when you have kids? Will your fiance let her run all over you then too?





You need to put to your foot down here. It's your wedding. Be firm.





Good luck :-)
Reply:The both of you need to sit down with her and let her know that she is not in control.





Your man is there only to support you. If he jumps on her side, he doesn't give a fig what you think and you should leave him.
Reply:you need to get your fiancee to talk to his mother and tell her that he too really wants to have a nice wedding...as long as she thinks he doesn't care then she will continue to try and get things done her way
Reply:just make it clear to her, with or with out your blokes help that as she isn't paying for any of it, she doesn't really have a say in anything. your bloke sounds really like a mummys boy so i think you are on your own. just remember that it is your wedding not hers and do it how you want it, be it in the nude or in a mile long dress at the beach. unlike her you are probably only planning on doing this once so it is up to you and your mum to do it however is right for you. don't let her get in the way. if she continues to be a pain in the *** tell her she will be left out of the arrangemnets entirley. that should work, but mostly you want to get your bloke to get on your side and to let go of mummys apron....
Reply:Wow - this is a sticky one! Looks like you are going to need to plan behind her back otherwise she will make all your decisions for you. Be firm regarding your desires for food, flowers, invitations, etc. If fiance objects to shutting her out completely, just keep reminding him that you want a wedding to remember, not one that she will remember. Easier said than done, but firmness is the key. You seem to be a sensitive person - you will find a nice way to get the point across. Wedding shopping should be between mom and daughter (and mom-in-law , if she wasn't so pushy). Maybe that would be the way to include her . She couldn't mess that up too much!
Reply:Talk with her and come up with a level of participation for her that both of you can accept.





Don't get off on the wrong foot with her by completely excluding her.





You could also have two receptions. One can be the way you want, with fewer people. The other can include all the guests the mom wants done home style.
Reply:Tell her firmly (not rudely or shouting) that it is your wedding and since you are paying for it that you will be making all the decisions. Tell her that she is hurting both you and her son by not being supportive. Let her know that you value her input and will take any help she offers, but let her know it is only help. Let her know you need to keep the guest list down and that she can invite X number of people (20 is a good number) you will consider the rest of her list but make no promises. If you don't kick this in the butt now it will get worse. Trust me I know. You are not just marrying your fiance you are marrying his mother too.


Good Luck!!!